I felt GUILTY for being sick
Listen to your body, not your head.
Over the last weekend, I felt like shit. My body was trying to tell me to slow down. But my head said “Sausha, Go Go Go!”. Well I continued to “go go go” as many of us do until I actually could not physically move. Yesterday, I attempted to do some work but quickly realized that I was not being productive and just making myself more miserable. But I felt so GUILTY for not committing to the things I said I was going to do. I couldn’t help myself but feel this overwhelming amount of GUILT and FAILURE for not doing the things I had set out to do.
I decided fuck it. Listen to your body. Not your head. My body was telling me I needed rest. That I was running to hard. That I had wore myself into physical exhaustion that it made me sick. My stomach felt queasy, my head was pounding. I tried to tell myself I was fine, but in reality I needed rest. Lots of rest.
Sunday I started to feel a little more crappy. I had a bunch of personal stuff that I needed to get done (videos, blogs, programs, etc). Oh and clean the house, do chores, laundry, etc. About halfway through the day, one of our dogs got caught food stealing. She is a special needs dog (epilepsy among other things) and has a special diet. Well she loves food just like all of us, so when she isn't monitored then she food steals. She has managed to scarf down 8lbs of food. YES 8 WHOLE POUNDS of food before she was caught. Holy balls that's a lot of food.
She started to bloat (second time in about a month) so we rushed her to the ER vet about an hour from our house. Mind you this whole time, I felt like an ass hole because instead of feeling sorry for my dog, or wanting to cuddle her, I was saying shit like "this damn dog costs a lot of money" or "this damn dog is fucking up my whole day". Like dishes are more important than my dog. REALITY CHECK! I was being an ass hole. So I gave myself a mental bitch slap and told myself to chill the fuck out. This could potentially be really bad and you may not come home with this dog. Nothing like a reality check when your dogs life is on the line. For those of you who are not familiar with bloat in large breed dogs, look it up. Very deadly and serious.
I'll give you the quick version on the dog. She was x-rayed and that's how we found out she ate that much food. We knew it was a lot, but wasn't sure how much until they measured. (ps its gross). They were able to get the food moving and/or out of her system. THANK GOODNESS her stomach didn't actually twist. They were able to help her out and we brought her home with us. A huge bill later and a whole bunch of meds, Fin is happy and somewhat healthy. I am very grateful we could bring her home.
But this extravaganza added to my fatigue, frustration, and endless pile of shit that needed to get done. Immediately after getting home, I started working on things. I should have went straight to bed like a normal person but convinced myself IT HAD TO GET DONE TONIGHT! Man, was I wrong.
That night I started to feel like crap. Nausea, huge headache, light headed, etc. I had to record a video for a client and my stuff wasn't working right. So now I'm pissed, tired, hungry, and can't get shit to work right. Finally, much much later I went to bed. But my mind didn't shut off from everything I needed to do.
Then the baby wakes up. She's been sleeping like crap lately, probably because I have been stressed and sleeping like crap. So then I was up with her, and all you knew mom's know how that story goes. I'm fortunate that my husband is very helpful and did end up helping me with her before I completely lost my shit.
Then the next morning comes. I have a couple of coaching calls with clients and potential clients. I wanted to cancel but decided I couldn't. I kept telling myself they needed me and it couldn't wait when in reality, I don't think any of them would have cared if we had to switch days (stories I tell myself).
MORE GUILT showed up when I decided to send my baby to daycare and go to my other job as a therapeutic riding instructor (equine therapy - also look this up). I thought, if I stay home from work there is no way I should send her to daycare. She can be home with me since I am home. Well I felt so guilty for sending her, that once I dropped her off. I went straight to work.
Now I am at work. Fear that they are going to think I’m faking being sick so I don’t say anything right away. But knowing me, I am TERRIBLE at hiding how I really feel. So one of the gals says something like “Are you OK” and I said NOPE and gave her a whole bunch of word vomit of the recent events and how I felt like shit. It was then I decided I was going to finish up what I was working on and head home. I told the director I was leaving because I didn’t feel well. She replied with “That’s fine go home. Don’t feel like you need to stay. You can catch up later this week”. Or something similar to that.
I made up every worst case scenario in my head that they would fire me, or reprimand me, or tell me I wasn’t doing my job right. Numerous things went through my head, but nope. She said it was fine. (Not that I needed permission, but these are the stories we make up and convince ourselves of the worst). Had she told me no, I still would have left. I already made up my mind to listen to my body and it said I needed rest of I was going to kill someone very soon because my head felt like it was going to explode and I was going to lose my shit.
So I leave work. Heading home I thought “I should go pick up my baby” because I felt GUILTY for leaving her at the daycare when I was going home to nap and rest. Man I felt like a bag of shit mom for not picking her up. But I told myself “Sausha, the daycare is going a way better job taking care of her right now than you would. If you don’t get some rest and feel better, you are going to be a shit mom the rest of the week rather than just one day”. So I listened to my BODY again. It said go get some rest so you can regroup and take better care of YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
Holy balls was this hard. I had to just let it go. Surrender to the fact that someone else was taking care of my baby so I could feel better. It was tough. I’m not going to lie. But today I feel a hell of a lot better! And I don’t feel guilty anymore because I took care of me so in turn I could take care of my family.
A mountain of other things transpired over the weekend. We had a shit ton of snow which just pissed me off haha. Its supposed to be spring damnit! Where the hell is the nice weather? Being cooped up makes me crazy.
So yea. Not every day is unicorns shooting rainbow farts but I listened to my body and took it easy. I wasn’t active on social media like I normally was (in case you didn’t notice). I didn’t reply to calls or texts like I normally do. I didn’t work out. Hell I didn’t even EAT because I felt that shitty. But that’s ok. I feel a million times better today because I listened. It’s a learned skill. I did not learn this overnight. Hence why I still screw up sometimes and get sick. But I am getting better. It’s something you have to continuously practice and teach yourself.
I literally took a 4 hour nap Monday. I don't even feel bad about it. In fact, I feel fucking fantastic. Had I not taking that nap, I would have been one sick miserable bitch for how many more days. Nobody wants that. Hell, I don't want that. Rest days are important. For yourself, and for those around you.
Surrender to the moment. Let go of the guilt. Listen to what your body is telling you and do what feels good. This can be as easy or hard as you make it. In time though, it does become easier.
What is your body telling you? Are you listening? Do you know how to listen?
Start with exercise. Mediation. Yoga. Get into nature. Back to basics. Like I said it takes practice, but you have to start by lifting you foot. First step is the hardest. Remember to ask for help.
If you are like me and found this blog helpful, inspiring or just funny ? Please share it with a friend or family member. Someone close to you may need to hear this very thing. Until next time, take it easy!