Tuesday night I wrote a post in my Facebook group and it made me want to write more about my life. I am a writer at heart and I know there is a book in me someday if I would just stop resisting it and write it already!
I want to share a fear of mine with you. For the last 2 years I have felt like I was and would be a bad mom. I still feel like a bad mom to this day. I don’t know if I will ever feel like a “good mom” but I am trying. My daughter is getting older and I feel like I am not doing enough for her and that I am always failing her. I always think “will she be proud of me when she is older? Will she think I worked too much? Cared too much? Didn’t care enough? How can I make this right?”. I have endless thoughts that pour through my head…
I feel like I should spend more time with her but then am I being fair to her? What is her dad wants to spend time with her? Or her extended family? Or God forbid she actually enjoys going to daycare where she can socialize, plus they love her there. One lady is particular always stands out to me and if I had the money, I would quit daycare and hire her in a heart beat to nanny her in my own while I work.
Speaking of the daycare, I am pretty sure they are going to call CPS on my one of these days. For those of you who don’t know that is, it is Child Protective Services and NO KID wants to end up in this place. She is always running a million miles an hour, getting into everything that could potentially kill her is she swallows it or impales herself….
You guys, just this past weekend I was at the Horse Show for the place I teach Therapeutic Riding at and she FELL OFF MY LAP in front of tons of people. Seriously, I never bring her to the barn because we live so far away and I dropped her on the freaking ground in front of a bunch of strangers. I felt like such a big pile of shit. Ok, so this is what happened. We were sitting there eating Tacos in a Bag (healthy, I know, don’t judge) and she went to get a drink out of my water bottle but it was going to spill everywhere so I pulled it away. Well then she pulled to and I won which sent her flying backwards onto the ground.
This is a time I didn’t want to win and I’m pretty competitive. So needless to say, I was trying not to spill water all over and guess what happened? Not only did I DROP MY BABY but I poured water all over everyone….. mom fail. Oh and to top it off? I yelled OH SHIT because I’m a lady like that. Yes, I dropped my baby, sprayed water all over and yelled SHIT in front of a bunch of strangers, their children and their families at a family horse show where I work. Could it get any worse? Talk about embarrassing…. The other gal I work with said its fine and she laughed it off but I was like WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why cant I be normal? Haha like seriously??
Want to know another mom fail? So a few weeks ago I noticed Oakly busted out her tooth. I have no idea how but all I know is one night is was fine and the next night it was broke in half. She hasn’t had teeth for a year and she’s already busting them out. So then I had to explain to the daycare why she is missing teeth but I didn’t know so I’m sure they think I punched her in the face and lied about it because that’s what people who beat their children do. They punch them and lie about it!
Oh god, I am going to hell.
Want more? She pinches her fingers in every door she can find. She has a fetish with the plunger and runs around with it. She stands in the bathtub. She falls down the stairs. She found where dad keeps his tools and runs around with screwdrivers in her hand… let’s see what else. Oh she thinks its funny to unplug the lamps so that she can actually touch the light sockets because she figured out we have covers on all the rest. She eats dog food. She eats pears off the ground and drinks out of the hose. I’ve pinched her check with her car seat clip and I’m not sure who cried more.
I felt HORRIBLE!! I think I cried about it most of the day. Plus there was another “mysterious” bruise I had to explain to the daycare.
It gets better. She is currently in a phase where the only thing she wants to eat is FUCKING GOLDFISH! She ate so much Goldfish that her shit literally looked like soggy Goldfish. But the child needs fed, right? Gross. I hate Goldfish. Milk. I hate milk. Oaklyn LOVES milk. I wanted her to drink Goats Milk because Cows Milk is disgusting. Don’t get me started but I think milk in general from another species is gross but I understand babies need Vitamin D and fat and blah blah blah. I tried every other alternative and she wants having it. She went on strike so now here we are, drinking Vitamin D Milk and I want to puke every time I see her drink it.
I breastfed her up until a few weeks ago then she decided she had enough with me. She was too grown up for the boob. I cried. She is growing up so fast and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like I’m always with her but I also feel like I’m always missing out. I looked at her tonight and asked her when she turned into a little girl? She smiled and laughed. Gosh, she is so beautiful and smart. I know she will do great things with her life. I am trying my hardest to make sure she lives a life she loves. I kick myself in the ass for not having kids sooner so I could love them longer.
You guys, I am totaling failing at this mom thing but somehow, someway I keep showing up and trying to be the best mom I can. I have no idea what that looks like. I just try to go with my gut most of the time. It’s really trial and error… mostly error. I’ve always learned best by learning what NOT to do first. Failure is kind of my things. I’ve managed to make it a strength of mine. I am good at failing. So why am I telling you this? Hell, I don’t really know! I’m hoping that I’m not the only one that feels like an awful parent.
Maybe you will call CPS on me. Maybe you can relate. All I know is that I love to write and I had to get this off my chest in hopes to help someone else. Mama, know that you aren’t alone. I know deep down in my soul that I am doing the best I can. I know deep down that I am 100x better than I was 10 years ago. I know deep down that I am doing good things in this world. I know this.
I still feel the pain. I still feel the guilt. I still feel the fear. Instead of running from it, I sit with it. I don’t let it control me. I chose my reality. I chose life. I chose my daughter. I wake up each morning and set my intentions and take action.
What else can you do?
Interested in working together?
(or did I scare you off ha)