Growing up, I always wanted to belong. It may be a shocker to some of you because, if you’ve known me for some time, you know that I kind of have that “I don't give a s***” attitude, but I do have a deep underlying desire to be wanted and accepted. I feel like that's even weird for me to say. I'm learning to love myself more and learning to love others and just be more accepting because my go-to is anger and telling people to go f*** themselves. That's not appropriate, but that is my go-to. It's funny now, but it's maybe not so funny because it actually has a lot to do with underlying issues with wanting to be loved and to accept being loved.
The other day I went on a 2-second rant on my Instagram stories because I saw some things that made me think, “Well that's great, but I have a difference of opinion so I feel like I need to share my opinion on it.” I’m trying to get in the habit of just sharing what I'm thinking without worrying about offending others, just laying it all out there and being vulnerable and just being like, “Hey I'm not perfect, sometimes I'll get it right and sometimes I won't get it right, but we all have different experiences and I know that some people will resonate with my experience while others may be triggered or may tell me to f*** off.”
Anyways, I posted something talking about how I'm really big into the law of attraction and manifestation and how your thoughts become things and I feel like my life is a direct manifestation of the thoughts that I've had. I have created my reality with my thoughts, whether I have chosen those thoughts or unconsciously thought them.
Either way, my reality is based on what my thoughts were. I actually had a lot of people comment on my video. Some were happy about it and were like, “Yes! I love this. I needed this. You put some pep in my step. I'm so excited to see you back.” And the other people were like, “Well you can't just always talk about positivity. You can't just always talk about the law of attraction. You have to focus on the darkness. You have to focus on the negative things. You have to focus on the shadow side.”
Here's what I’ve got to say to that and, again, this is my personal experience. My experience is valid. I don't need permission from anybody to share what my personal experience is. I have lived in the shadows for a very long time. Darkness is comfortable to me. Sadness, depression, all of those things feel like home. All of those things come very easily to me. While some people want to come out and pretend like the dark things don't exist, that was my comfort zone for a long time - beating myself up, self-hatred, and just thinking deep dark thoughts.
There cannot be light without the dark, let's just clear that up, but there's a balance in play. In order to experience joy, you have to know what the opposite feels like. For me, I deprived myself of joy. Any time that I felt happy or healthy or love or excitement, I would tell myself that I was a piece of s*** and that I did not deserve it. I became so comfortable with that dark side of me that I did not allow myself to experience the other side. I had no balance. I was too scared to experience the light and the love. I always put myself in really bad situations, whether that was physically, mentally, or emotionally.
I used drugs and alcohol, I smoked, and I just did really terrible things to myself and all of that stuff became very like … Okay, so there's a song and goes like, “Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again.” That is me. It is so easy for me to slip back into that darkness and hide out there and be angry and sad and depressed and look at all of the other angry, sad, depressing things.
For me and the law of attraction, I noticed that when I started to choose better feeling thoughts, as uncomfortable as they made me, that they started to manifest. When I shifted my focus to things that brought me joy or to things I wanted or desired in my life, I found that more things that I wanted and desired would come to me. As soon as I shifted my energy to that of what I wanted instead of what I didn't want, things started to happen for me.
Again, this may resonate with some and not with others. There are some people who just try to experience positivity all the time like, “I'm just going to be so happy. I'm going to pretend that nothing bad happens in the world.” That's not what I'm saying. I realize that there is bad s*** happening all over. I'm just telling you that in my personal life, if I focus on the bad things more bad things happen to me.
And I'm telling you that I can't experience any more bad things because I will probably die or end up in jail. I have to consciously make an effort to focus on the good. I have to wake up every day and write a gratitude list. My brain is wired to hate myself, and so something that I have constantly been practicing is self-love. I don't know if I'll ever reach this point of effortlessly thinking, “life is beautiful, love yourself, etc.”
There are times that I experience that but it's definitely not 100% of the time. It's a conscious effort. I have to exercise. I have to attempt to eat healthy. I have to meditate, do gratitude journals, and all of these things to shift my energy into that high vibrating energy because literally everything we do every day is either spiraling up or spiraling down.
You can look at the law of attraction or at the emotional guidance scale and see that everybody emits a vibration of what they are experiencing and you can go up from there or you can go down from there based on your experience. And so for me, I have to set myself up for success very early in the morning. There are days that I wake up in the morning and I'm like a f****** s*****, like I just wake up in a s*** mood, and sometimes I just allow myself to feel that s*** mood because then it makes me appreciate the good days that much more.
Again, like I said, I try not to get stuck there, but I try to feel it and experience it and let it move through me. I don't try to let any one emotion be stuck within me because then that's when you start to feel stress and overwhelming anxiety and all these things cuz you can't you can't move through it. It becomes stuck in the energy body and can block your chakras and cause everything to be off balance and out of whack.
To remain an aligned and balanced person, I have to practice more of the manifestation and positivity practices more so than the shadow work because that is where I'm learning and growing. I'm learning to love learning and to enjoy myself. I'm learning to have fun. I'm learning to not be a people-pleaser. I'm learning to not base my worth on other people's expectations of me.
It's so funny because it's easy for me to point out what's wrong in somebody else's life. That's why people hire me as a coach, because I do have a lot of experience and I am able to very easily point out what is working and what is not working just based on your energy and on what you say, what you do, your thinking, how you're feeling, what your goals are, and where you're at in your life. All of these things make it very easy for me to say, “Okay, well I see what the problem is. Let me tell you how we can start to shift your focus so that we can get you feeling better.”
I never want you to think that I'm just going to “positivity powerhouse” our way through things because that's not reality. You can't be happy 24/7 because happiness would become boring. If you were just happy all the time you wouldn’t even know what happiness is anymore because I just experienced it 24/7. You have to experience that sadness and that grief in order to experience and appreciate the good things in life. Again, there can be no light without the dark. And so for me personally, I have to practice more of the lightheartedness, the laughter, the joy, the hugging, the kissing, the physical touch, etc.
When I first met my husband (and this might be a little bit too much information but I don't really give a s***) his whole family loved to give me s*** because I am not a touchy feely person. I can hug and kiss him, I can hug and kiss my kids, but I get super weirded out when other people try to hug and kiss me. It's so uncomfortable, and so I try to practice more of those things to push myself outside of my comfort zone. This may sound really silly to some, but giving hugs is a big deal for me. I've gotten better - practice makes progress.
I just want you to know that there is more than one way to do things. This is where you have to shut off the outside noise, tune into yourself, and say, “What do I need to do?” Sometimes your vision is just so cloudy that you have to keep your mind quiet.
Just know that whatever your goals, hopes, dreams, desires, or wherever you're at in your life right now, just know that you are exactly where you need to be. Don’t compare your journey to somebody else's. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Learn to let go. Don't hold on to anything that doesn't serve you, but take them as lessons to learn and improve.
So getting back to my Instagram stories: I had a couple of people who reached out and they said some things about my video and it was like a stab in the chest. The first lesson is that I can't please everybody. I am not everybody's cup of tea. That is hard for me to swallow because I am a recovering people pleaser (even though I tell people to f*** off a lot). I am a recovering people pleaser and I want everybody to feel happy. I want to make everybody happy, but I know that's not my job. I know that I can't make that happen. All I can do is control myself, make myself happy, and influence others to focus on their happiness. When I focus on me and I make my happiness a priority, it'll give you permission to do the same.
Let go of the things that don't serve you and forgive those who may have hurt you at some point in time. Which is actually a whole other topic but, by forgiving yourself for giving them your power, you’re taking your power back. It’s an empowering practice and the other person doesn't have to know anything about it, so just throwing that out there. Forgiving anybody who has harmed you or did you wrong is really f****** hard, but I'm telling you it's empowering when it's all said and done.
Again, that's kind of like that deeper darker side. You can't just act like everything's fine or nothing will be fine. That contrast in life is what makes it life. Everything in our lives will eventually die and then will be reborn and the cycle just repeats itself. It’s the same with emotions. A beautiful part of being human is that we’re able to experience these different emotions. It’s so beautiful when you think about it on a grander scale. Life is beautiful. Death is beautiful. Being reborn is beautiful. The seasons are beautiful. The contrast of life is beautiful. It brings us closer together. It lets us know that we still have work to do.
For me, when I focus on the things that I desire and that I want, I find that those manifest much much quickly in my life.
So that's all I wanted to say. My two cents for you is just to find what works for you and leave the rest. If somebody tells you to go run ten miles and you're like, two miles feels right, (maybe push herself to three :) ) then just be happy with that.
I hope you guys got something out of this. Just know that you have all of the answers within you. Sometimes it does help to ask for help in finding those answers within you. Sometimes we just need guidance on how to shut off that monkey mind, shut off the noise, and figure out what really works well for you. Your gut always knows. Trust your gut, trust your intuition, and trust your body's response. Your gut reaction is usually the right one.
I hope you have a kick-ass day and I’ll catch you next week.